“Believe in yourself.” Unknown
Three simple words that at times appear insurmountable. We throw our own obstacles in the way, better known as excuses. Hurdles that equate to self-doubt. Quicksand that swiftly creates self-loathing. We humans we can believe in so many people from stable geniuses to lifelong philanderers, the minority aspiring to emulate the likes of Gandi and Oprah, and even a smaller minority believing in the only person that matters, ourselves.
It’s not a selfish thought. Even the bravest of warriors have moments of self-doubt, and yet they muster up the courage to inspire and go to battle. We are a species with a brain unlike any other, and our greatest superpower that allows us to be awesome is the one we most often tamp down.
Ok, maybe I shouldn’t be writing as we. Maybe I should say I? I have found I have this habit of sharing my weaknesses with the world as if everyone faces the same challenges as me. And, sometimes I self-correct and replace me instead of you, and I instead of we, but I do like the world where I am not flying solo. I find comfort in the knowledge that I am not the only person who works really hard to keep her shit together and on her worst days holds it all together, because she knows that releasing just one tear will open the heavens and the National Weather Service quickly issue flood warnings.
Come on, I’m not the only one who has days like that? Who else thinks like that? Who else feels like that?
The truth is, the finish line snuck up on me. November 1 seems like yesterday. I woke up like any other morning, but it wasn’t. I made commitments. And I’ve made good on them, some I even doubled down. The evening of November 1, I was “Combustible Karen”. I introduced myself to my fellow Improv students and together we conquered our fears and two months later we were on stage – improvising. But, I didn’t stop there. I took the advanced class, which I finished last night. It is a bittersweet hallelujah!
That November morning, I also purchased the blog from WordPress. It took a while, but on December 7, I dove in. And today, I crossed the finish line. Today is my 90th consecutive day writing. I knew it was coming, and I don’t know what happens next, but I do know that I am a better person, a truer person, and stronger person for having taken on this commitment and for completing it.
So what I have learned?
- I love to write.
- I missed writing.
- I liked the routine that the 90-day commitment required.
- I liked being accountable to myself, to friends, and followers, and to strangers.
- I liked that the blog connected me with family in new ways, reconnected me with old friends, and introduced me to new friends.
- I liked that fellow bloggers led me to prompts that helped me get out of my head, to not take myself so seriously, and just write for the joy of writing.
- I liked that I surprised myself.
- I feel that I lived up to my sister’s gift to me so many years ago articulated by Marianne Williamson.
- I feel like I used this space and my words to communicate the challenges of everyday life, and that I tried, even on the cloudiest days, to find a silver lining.
- I know that this exercise came at an opportune time, it had a place in the stages of grief, it was an invaluable tool as I attended Al-Anon, it was a respite and comfort during the healing from my hernia repair, and it reaffirmed my faith in God and community.
I have much more to write, say, shout, scream, wail, opine, emote, and voice, but now I must get on with my life. Address the weighty issues of career, finance, and more. When and if I continue, only tomorrow will tell. I thank all of you for your support and companionship. I am so grateful to cross the 90-day finish line at 9:39 a.m. I’m always more productive when I accomplish great things before 10 a.m.