Restart | Day ? of?

“The most effective way to do it, is to do it.”

Amelia Earhart

The negotiations began in earnest.

A – b + c – e = d

Write, skip yoga, walk dogs, and get to atm for cash for dog walker will mean I leave on time. The events of this week controlled me. And now this Saturday morning hours away from something I’ve looked forward to for months, I awoke to beat myself about what I did not do this week.

Writing this morning, during this dedicated allotment of time, I realize that my feeling of being controlled by the events of the week is my own fault. Shit, it was so easy to say, the job made me NOT do it. Be honest Karen, “We can make the time for anything if we want to.”

Earhart’s quote helped me cut through the bull shit this morning aka my feelings of guilt for abandoning my commitment to blog for 120 consecutive days. I thought I didn’t have the time, the mental space, the inspiration, the ability to make sense …

And, the truth is, I did not write, because the thoughts that were top of mind most of this week are still marinating. Thoughts about events beyond my control. Thoughts that include:

  • Will the winter storm that’s moving its way across Southwestern and Central Illinois kill my road trip to Galesburg to see David Sedaris?
  • Does the dream I had last night signal doom for a loved one?
  • Do the dogs hate me when I travel?
  • Will the housing market pick up in the next few months so I can sell my house?
  • Will I find a house that will work for me and my moody teenage daughter?
  • Will this partial government shutdown end?
  • Will my daughter be moody forever?
  • Will I stop beating myself up?
  • Truth: I can control the last one, anyway.

We all have to start somewhere even when the starting line is imperfect. In spite of noise and obstructions, I wrote while waiting for a flight at the Orlando airport. First I wrote a bio for a friend and second a bio for me. Upon completion of both, I euphorically floated on to the airplane. The sense of accomplishment was palpable. I didn’t write in a way that maintained my commitment to this blog. But I did write. And I found the joy in it. And so I can forgive myself.

And restart the commitment today because life happens. When snakes and alligators threaten the journey, keep moving because like all creatures they too move with both courage and trepidation.

17 Thoughts

  1. Love to read these thoughts of yours … they are so familiar. But … a cautionary word here … beware of the point where they become an obsession. You are more than words on paper: a human being, not a human doing. Take those breaks, in moderation. Breathe deeper.

    Love,
    Mb

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Please do not wade in the alligator and snakes pond/lake/swamp thingy (and yes, I think that’s probably a great analogy to (trying to) not wade into the muck of self-doubt, self-beating (and trying to figure out a moody teenager–they’re moody because it is part of their existential teen-job to be so, at least until their body figures out up from down and their brain cells fire at a reasonable pace …). 🙂 As for writing-didn’t-happen reasons … All of the above get you “you’re excused” notes. 😉 Na’ama

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Serves no purpose to beat yourself up for missing a day here or there. On the whole, you’ve done fabulously well and will continue to do so! So hells yes, you forgive yourself!

    Saw this video this morning. Tell me how much this doesn’t apply 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Yoda. You are wise beyond your years. Sincere mean that. I’m going to see David Sedaris tonight and tomorrow I’ll listen to Aimee Mann sing “wise up” on the way home. This whole 120-day goal / exercise was an epiphany – it’s not quantity of the experiences it’s the quality of them.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Sedaris is awesome!
        Haven’t read Calypso yet. There was a huge gap between books, as the last one I remember reading was Me Talk Pretty One Day, and I think there was one or two more after that. But that was quite a while ago.
        Yoda huh? It’s just a matter of knowing what works, yanno?

        Liked by 1 person

  4. For me, sometimes making a commitment can backfire…and I also beat myself up for not keeping the goal. Finding balance between pushing ourselves to grow, and giving ourselves grace is a mighty feat.
    I wish you well as you tackle that too. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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