“Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.”Hermann Hesse
Last week I attended a retreat with some old friends and some new ones at the Tao Center, which is run by the Wheaton Franciscan sisters. The day included some group reflection, quiet personal time, and guided meditation. When I arrived my friend Maggie and I were sharing with one another about how stressed we were about this day long retreat. We were worried we wouldn’t be able to relax and enjoy the day. We laughed at how ridiculous that sounded.
As we were led to our space for the day we each had our own room, my room was named Simplicity, which was a proper theme for the current direction of my life. Spending time in my “Simplicity” room was appropriate. I am downsizing from a 4 bedroom to a 2 bedroom. The smaller space means fewer rooms to clean and clutter and to heat and cool, and I’m looking forward to that.
When I joined our morning circle I immediately felt my blood pressure fall and my body riddled with tension release. Sr. Glenna Czachor, OSF, asked that we set an intention for the day. As I began writing, the words “Release and Peace” came forth. They were later accompanied by “Vision”. Throughout that day, and later in the week at a Yoga Nidra practice, I found some clarity in this phase of my life.
In the physical world, I’m moving. My home is under contract, and I’m scheduled to close on its sale on May 31, 2019. Following which, I’ll close on the sale of new home, a smaller home, a home whose Property Index Number will only be connected to me.
In the spiritual world, there is a different transition happening. There’s joy found in the conquest of committing to something and following through. I told my daughter after her father and I divorced that I would keep the house for a year. It’s been more than two. I’ve found that with most wins in life, at least the hard fought ones, there is a sacrifice or lesson learned. As I reclaim my independence on the exterior and move from a home I purchased with my former husband, I have forgive myself for not realizing my vision of what I thought we would become in this home. I thought this home would bring us together, and when we moved in I soon learned how far apart we had grown. This transition will require more work than I thought. The house is a physical handcuff to that unrealized vision and the hurtful times associated with it. Once we move I know there is still healing to be done.
At my aunt’s suggestion, I’ve been celebrating each room in this home. I want to leave behind positive energy for the next homeowner. And I’ve found when I do that, I am also releasing the painful memories. And yes, I am finding peace in that release. I didn’t realize the weight of the memories, the physical and emotional loss that I affiliate with this space. Once I found the home that I made the offer on, it affirmed my decision to sell and move on.
These two transitions are in a parallel universe, in which I’m packing and unpacking belongings and memories, and visualizing a life absent the weight of the space that holds the guilt and loss acquired from the end of a marriage. As I close the door on what was and open the next door to what can be, I’m visualizing peace.